Self Discovery… A tough pill sometimes

Funny how my wife says shes at peace and is happier now and is happy with the path shes on… yet she feels she still needs to hide things from not only me, but the kids and even some of her friends.  I also don’t quite get why she can get so angry with me… like literally we can be having a decent conversation, and somehow something is said that instantly lights her up and shes ripping into me like I just killed her dog.  It is a total Jekyll and Hyde thing.  I don’t ever recall her being so emotionally volatile… she has always been the measured one in the relationship… which makes me think things aren’t so good in her world… and it kills me to think that I can’t help her or protect her.  Because of these crazy mood swings and the strange behavior towards me, the boys and some friends, I keep telling myself that this is not her, and that something must be wrong… no sane person would willingly act this way.

I have been doing a lot of reading and research on “mid-life crisis” and “how to save your marriage” over the last year and have come across so many different ideas and methods that all say is a sure fire way to get your spouse back.  Honestly, I think most are full of crap.  But there are a few that I cam across that, to me anyway, made sense of at least what is going on… not necessarily how to get my wife back.  For me, having an idea of what is going on has brought me back from the FIGURATIVE cliff many times.  The first site I came across that made sense was Husband Help Haven, http://husbandhelphaven.com/

I wish I had found this one earlier, but I didn’t… oh well… move on.

This one made sense to me because I could see some patterns that I was doing that led to where we are.  Now, I am in no way saying I was 100% responsible for my wife leaving and hooking up with another man… but what I am saying is that I started seeing what I was doing wrong which opened the door for this POS to move in and for her to make the poor decisions shes been making.

There are a lot of good articles there and I am in no way telling you to purchase anything that is offered on that site.  I am saying read the articles and other free resources.  Like I said, I wish I had found it sooner… it may or may not have made a difference… I like to think it may have… but I beat myself up a lot when it comes to the situation I’m in now.

One of the things I got from this site was that I needed to accept the things that I can change about me, accept that I can do nothing regarding her, and that I MUST be the rock and safe place for my boys.

I’m doing pretty good at the first, hit and miss on the second, and I AM NAILING the third.  Out of all of this, there have been a few things that I can say have led me to do better.  I am a much better dad because she did this.  I am more engaged with them in their schooling and in life in general.  We do more together now, and I am NOT the Disneyland dad.  I just don’t have the $$.  But we do what we can, and we have fun in each others company.  We go hiking, go into the city, go to the beach, go to old historical sites… Every time I have them we do something.  So I am glad for that.

I’ll get more into the boys later, but suffice it to say, they do see me as the rock in their life, and they know they are safe and stable with me.  And I am proud of that.

 

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Every Time I Hear That Song…

Today is just a random thought and (hopefully) an explanation of how and why I still feel for my wife.

The problem is that it’s not just one song… its 17 yrs of songs.  Some good, some bad, some are in between.  We both grew up in the 80’s, so that’s our foundation for music.  We both enjoy Adult Alternative and Classic Rock.  She loves Pop and I hate it, I love Country and she hates it.  Over the years we both conceded some in the music we don’t like… for example Pink.  She loves Pink.  I have learned to accept some of her music and found some to be fairly entertaining.  Now though… I will stop and listen if I hear Pink, because an image of my wife instantly comes to me.  Then Pink did a duet with Kenny Chesney called “Setting the World on Fire”.  YouTube link: https://youtu.be/EiIS2e_T-dY

That song gets me every time because its US.  Country and Pop, blending together in perfect harmony.  Ok, not perfect… but it was pretty damn good… or so I thought.

I often wonder if music does the same to her.  Some say yes, some say no, some say it doesn’t matter.  But it does.  Is she rewiring her memories with the POS that shes with?  How does one just stop feeling?  I know its been a year… but I have never been one to let go very quickly… even when I do the breaking up.

I have always been one who goes in head first.  My buddy calls me a serial monogomist… once I give myself, I give 100%.  I’m sure there is some psycho analytical blah blah having to do with that, but needless to say, it is what I do.

I still remember when we met.  We worked for the same company, but in different departments and in different buildings.  We had a mutual friend that worked in my building that she did work with often.  I was seeing someone at the time, but there was an instant attraction.  When I became single, she had just started seeing someone, but the attraction was still there… and the friendship continued to grow.  When we were both single, she still wasn’t interested in dating, though I continued to show my interest.  It took six months, but eventually things between us grew strong enough for us to continue to fight, and from that point we were inseparable.  Two years later we were married.  I fell in love with her before we even started dating, and the emotion hasn’t diminished.  I continue to love her, even through the pain of this ordeal.  This woman who is doing this to me is not my wife… After 16 yrs, I think you’d get to know somebody.  A person cannot hide who they are for that long.  This person is not my wife… my wife would never compromise her integrity, or put someone over her kids.

Even though there is no official diagnosis, it has to be a mid-life crisis… she is searching for something that she thinks she needs, and felt I couldn’t give it.  I have also learned about “Limerence”, and she fits that as well.  I don’t know what it is for sure, but I do know whatever it is has done this to my wife, and my hope and prayers are that she can wake up and realize that the cost of breaking up our marriage and family is too great a cost and that together we can be stronger than we were before.

Wish I knew then…

When she first dropped the bomb on me, I was in shock and I WAS PISSED!  It was right after my youngest sons baseball game; it was a beautiful morning.  She asks if I’d like to go for a walk with her.  I said yes, we told the boys and we went out.  I knew something was up when she went down a trail we rarely go on, but I had no idea what was about to go down.

When she said we should separate and spewed out the bullshit about us not being good for each other (remember, we’ve been married almost 13 yrs at this point) how we are totally different and that we don’t compliment each other and we want different things in life, I just looked at her with a confused look and basically started arguing with counter points… but she was already gone; she couldn’t hear a thing I was saying.

With a years perspective, what I should have done was let her walk and have her move in with her mom.  Let her feel right away the consequence of her decision.  Instead I let her walk over me and co-habitate with me, knowing full well she did not want to work on our marriage.  She took full advantage of that because she knew I wanted to save our marriage and I would do anything she wanted to achieve that goal.  What that allowed (hindsight 20/20) was for her to establish a stronger relationship with her Emotional Affair Partner and lose respect for me and fall-out of love with me.

16 years earlier, when we were first dating, this same POS that she’s seeing almost broke us up, but, back then she chose me.  I was willing to let her walk then… how things change.  Back then I had the confidence, integrity and self respect to say “I am not OK with your decision to date other people, and I wish you the best”.  I didn’t have that last year, and I am now working on getting it back.

My focus had been mostly on my boys and making sure they are OK, as well as getting myself back into shape.  I am only 5’9″, and I was pushing 220 lbs when she left… I am now down to 175, exercising regularly and just taking better care of myself.  I should have also been focusing on making my business more successful, and have now made that a priority.  The only way to get her back, if there is any hope at all, is to not be the weak man she left.  I always said being strong meant getting up one more time then you fell… I am not sure if I’ve fully stood up from the blow she gave me, but I am definitely on my way up!

This is my story… and many others as well

It came as a complete surprise.  It was last year.  Saturday, April 16th, 2016 at 11:15 am, but who’s keeping track?  My wife told me she wants to separate.  After almost 13yrs of marriage and 16 yrs together, she’s done.  I was shocked, angry, confused, hurt… you get the point.  She said we were no good for each other.  Said we didn’t support each other.  Said we were not supporting each other and that it would be best for us both to separate.  She had plans to go away with a “girlfriend” for a long weekend, and that I should think about how to go about the separation and how we should handle the kids.  Oh yeah… we have two boys, 12 and 8.  I asked her pointedly, “how in the hell am I supposed to do that when you drop a bomb like that and also leave me to take care of the boys?”  She had no answer, packed for the weekend and left.

Its been over a year… we are not divorced but the process has been started.  She shows no signs of working with me in saving our marriage or our family.  She shows no signs of leaving the POS she left me for (though she says she didn’t… its just strange timing), and is planning on moving in with him.  And here I am, ready to forgive her and save our marriage when she finally wakes up from this fantasy world shes been living in.

Our marriage had the usual problems… stress of the kids, money, career, family and everything else life seems to want to throw at you.  But, in my opinion, nothing that justifies a divorce.  I guess I’m old school that way.  We are not a religious family… I was just raised with good strong morals.  I thought she was as well… I’m still hoping for them to break through whatever she’s used to suppress them.

Anyway, this blog will be a combination of what happened in the early stages and what I’m doing now, and how they may or may not help me save my marriage and my family.