Wish I knew then…

When she first dropped the bomb on me, I was in shock and I WAS PISSED!  It was right after my youngest sons baseball game; it was a beautiful morning.  She asks if I’d like to go for a walk with her.  I said yes, we told the boys and we went out.  I knew something was up when she went down a trail we rarely go on, but I had no idea what was about to go down.

When she said we should separate and spewed out the bullshit about us not being good for each other (remember, we’ve been married almost 13 yrs at this point) how we are totally different and that we don’t compliment each other and we want different things in life, I just looked at her with a confused look and basically started arguing with counter points… but she was already gone; she couldn’t hear a thing I was saying.

With a years perspective, what I should have done was let her walk and have her move in with her mom.  Let her feel right away the consequence of her decision.  Instead I let her walk over me and co-habitate with me, knowing full well she did not want to work on our marriage.  She took full advantage of that because she knew I wanted to save our marriage and I would do anything she wanted to achieve that goal.  What that allowed (hindsight 20/20) was for her to establish a stronger relationship with her Emotional Affair Partner and lose respect for me and fall-out of love with me.

16 years earlier, when we were first dating, this same POS that she’s seeing almost broke us up, but, back then she chose me.  I was willing to let her walk then… how things change.  Back then I had the confidence, integrity and self respect to say “I am not OK with your decision to date other people, and I wish you the best”.  I didn’t have that last year, and I am now working on getting it back.

My focus had been mostly on my boys and making sure they are OK, as well as getting myself back into shape.  I am only 5’9″, and I was pushing 220 lbs when she left… I am now down to 175, exercising regularly and just taking better care of myself.  I should have also been focusing on making my business more successful, and have now made that a priority.  The only way to get her back, if there is any hope at all, is to not be the weak man she left.  I always said being strong meant getting up one more time then you fell… I am not sure if I’ve fully stood up from the blow she gave me, but I am definitely on my way up!