But she can fool me all of the time!
Wow… got a total kick in the gut today!
The last 3-4 weeks have been so different from the 5 months prior. She and I have been talking more and, for the most part, really getting along. Our conversations have been pleasant and positive… we’ve laughed and it seemed like every conversation we had was more involved than the last. It seemed like we were getting closer again… almost like friends… without calling ourselves friends. We were in total sync… anticipating what the other was going to say… laughing before the punchline cuz we knew where the other was going… It almost seemed like she was testing the waters with me…
Then she pulled the rug out beneath me…
She’s moving out of state to live with the POS. I was hoping beyond hope that they were having trouble… and then this. She wanted to talk about how we could work out visitation since I insist on having AT LEAST 50% custody. We agreed to a 2 week visitation schedule to start with, meaning we’ll each have the boys for two weeks at a time. (Hope that makes sense)
It’s not like I was expecting her to say that she wanted to get back together and try and salvage our marriage… but the way we had been talking, I thought it might be reasonable for her to ask to go for a hike the next time she was in town… or to catch a bite the next time I was up her way… or some other excuse for us to start spending time together. But for her to say she was moving in with him… OUCH! 😦
The strange thing was the way she said it… not mean… not cold… it was calm and gentle… like she was trying not to hurt me… even though we’ve talked about it before. I sort of feel like she’s trying to make sure that the door is slightly ajar for her to come back if she needs. What’s worse is I feel like she’s doing this because she’s gone this far and she has to see it all the way through… come hell or high-water… she has to see. I don’t think things have been all that great for her and the POS. They’ve not been spending as much time together though they could have. The boys haven’t seen him since early May… My Spidey Sense is in high gear over this news… and sadly… There is nothing I can do to protect her.
Maybe this is a good thing. I’m trying to tell myself this anyway. She’s still open to talking to me, and our conversations have been nothing but positive… not negative is the more accurate description. We’ve been laughing together and overall enjoying our short time communicating. With her being around this POS full time, maybe the real POS will begin to show and she’ll see him for who he really is… a selfish POS who doesn’t want his family let alone hers! What really gets me is that my boys are gonna be collateral damage… and he could give a shit! And I can’t protect them… not completely anyway. I can be the rock for my boys… but I can’t stop the damage he could do to them if they get attached.
All I can hope for now is that his true colors show, and that she realizes that she was duped. That she sees that what we had was real, and is worth working for. That our family, though broken now, is strong enough to withstand this struggle and come out even better than before, That is what I hope for. That is what I believe can happen. That is what I know will happen. I don’t know how I know… I just know. God give me the strength to hold on.