This weekend was an emotional roller coaster for me. One minute I’m up and happy, the next I’m down and out of control. The shitty thing about this roller coaster is that there are very few flats and straights… its almost all up and down… and its my own design.
I have decided to close the ride for a bit and redesign it. I have decided to stop putting so much importance into things I have very little to no control over. Don’t get me wrong… saving my marriage and my family are of the utmost importance… but I really only have control over the family part, which is me and my boys. I have no control over her or her actions. I do, however, have control over my actions… and recently my actions have been to allow her into my head and run me up and down the ride… which is why it is temporarily out of order!
For Father’s Day, my step-mom gave me and my brothers (I have 3 blood and 1 step) a picture of my dad, who passed away last October. It’s a classic picture of him sitting down, hands clasped together, ready to impart some of his hard earned wisdom. I looked at the picture and realized I am in control of this fucking ride, and I’m tired of the ups and downs. I am tired of feeling guilty for her actions. I’m tired of feeling guilty for doing the best I can for my boys in the position I’m in. I know I’m gonna fuck-up. I know I’m gonna kick-ass. I know sometimes I’m just gonna get by. I also now know that that’s life.
Do I still want my wife back? Absolutely. Do I think it will happen? I do. Do I think the pain that I have gone through and the difficulty of reconciliation will be worth saving my marriage and family? Of course I do. Do I think she feels that way? It doesn’t matter. I do. I am in control of my actions, not hers. I will wait for her until I don’t want to wait for her anymore. I can not tell you how long that will be. I can tell you that I will be in better control… maybe not complete control… but definitely better!