Hope, Faith and Trusting the Unknown

If you’re lost in the middle of the ocean, does it really matter which direction you choose to go?  Is there really a right or wrong direction?  That’s how I feel right now.  Only I’m not just in the middle of the ocean… I’m in the middle of the ocean in the middle of a storm with ZERO visibility!  Oh, yeah… my compass went overboard too.

A close friend recently asked me why I’m holding onto the hope of reconciling when she shows no interest in coming back… and I had no answer.  I literally had nothing.  Just a feeling, that I can’t put words to.  He pressed me to say something… and my answer… Because she is my wife.  I married her and chose to have kids with her and committed myself to her, for better or worse.

I just never thought worse would mean this.  I never thought she’d fall for another man and file for divorce.  I never thought she could be so mean to someone she once loved.  I never thought she would ignore her kids and be so eager to leave them for a week at a time.  I never thought a someone I thought I knew so well could become a completely different person.

People would suggest that she had just changed… or maybe this is who she really is and she hid it from me.

HOW THE FUCK DOES SOMEONE HIDE SOMETHING LIKE THIS FOR 15 YEARS?

I spent nearly every day with her for that long.  I think you would get to know someone pretty fucking good in that amount of time… AND NO!  You can’t hide who you are for that long.  I also don’t believe that a person can change who they are… not their core person… not like that.  I just don’t believe it.  I have felt that in my soul since this first started last year.  Then I cam across Marriage Helper and Marriage Radio and Dr. Joe Beam.  He has a few podcasts that talk about LIMERENCE.  I found this about 2 months ago… and it just made sense… and it gave me hope.  Here is the link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/marriageradio/2017/02/07/the-3-phases-of-limerence-being-madly-in-love–the-dr-joe-show

As I was listening, I was like “HOLY FUCK!”  That’s her.  That happened!  Could this be right?!  Is there really a chance?

That is all I’ve really wanted… JUST A CHANCE!  A chance to love my wife the way I always should have.  A chance to have her love me the way she should have.  A chance to show my boys that LOVE takes work… and when you work it you can overcome anything.

By the way she is acting, she seems to be on the downward side of limerence.  We actually talked on the phone for 40 minutes the other day… part of it was to discuss the boys.. but at least half of the time we were just talking about stuff.  Nothing of consequence… but we were talking and had a couple of laughs… and most importantly, we didn’t argue.  We didn’t have any disagreements.  It was all positive… We hadn’t had that since I don’t know when.  She even wished me an early happy birthday (it was the next day).  Then on my birthday, she sent me a birthday text.  Again… It doesn’t really mean anything… but when in the context of the cold and mean communications we’ve had prior, to the point we had almost no contact for 1.5 months, it has to mean something.  What exactly that is I have no clue… so I continue to hope.  I hope she is falling out of limerence with this POS… I hope these positive conversations lead her to seeing me the way she used to… I hope that she decides that we are worth the risk and the work… I hope I get a chance to win my wife back and get my family back.

so for now… I continue to hope.

 

 

 

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