Sorry for the silence. This has been a rough couple of weeks. From learning that she’s definitely moving out of state to be with him, to switching the visitation to every two weeks, to being all but written off by my in-laws…
I swear you would think I was the one that left her for someone else!
A friend showed me a FB post she had written, saying how hard yet fulfilling her life has been since she made the decision to leave and how, as fate would have it, brought this POS into her life and they are so in love and how she’s been able to reconnect with old frinds, yada yada…
The problem is that it is a her cover story. She’s working so hard to convince everyone that she’s still telling the same lies she told me a year ago. That really isn’t my point.
What is my point? I have accepted where she is. She is building this new relationship on lies and has convinced herself come hell or high-water that this is the right move. That her relationship with our boys is better and healthier now than when we were a complete unit. (Funny side note… the last 2 weeks she’s had with the boys have been stressful and full of back talk yet publicly she’ll say its better)
What does acceptance mean? It means I know she’s not ready to come back. I feel like I am no longer a co-dependent to her and her actions. She’s a good person doing a really shitty thing to me and my boys, but that’s on her. I am at peace responding to her divorce petition, though it is not what I want. I will do what I have to do to make sure it is equitable, but I am no longer scared of it. I am at peace with her lies… and even understand why she’s doing it (sort of), and I am at peace knowing I can’t protect her from the consequences of her decisions. As much as I love her, I can’t stop this fall from happening.
So… does that mean I am no longer standing? I don’t feel I’ve quit, but I don’t know if I’m still standing. There is a part of me that still hopes for her to wake up. There is still a part of me that loves her and want’s to protect her. Honestly… that will probably always be there.
Maybe I should rename this blog to Kneeling Man