Changing focus

As far as weeks go, this last one may have been one of the best I’ve had with my boys since my wife left.  It started off with a road trip that should have taken 4 hrs, but turned into 6.  Now, I love to drive but I hate traffic… it stresses me out and I am probably one of the worst role-models for my kids in that state… I am one of those A-holes that swerves in and out trying to get one car ahead and then curses out the next guy that does it to me.

For some reason tho, that didn’t happen.  I just sat there comfortably and either listened to the radio singing the songs that played if it was one we especially liked or just sat quietly and accepted that no matter what I did, I could do nothing to change the situation.  Much like I recently did with my wife and marriage.

Did I hope for the traffic to open up?  Of course I did.  Was I putting life on hold and freaking out about it… no.  Funny how little life lessons can be turned into big life lessons without even realizing it.

Do I still want my wife back and restore my marriage and family?  Of course I do.  Do I have any control over her actions?  Of course I don’t.  Can I convince her to come back?  No.  Would I if I could… I don’t think so… Not anymore.  I’m not playing that game.  I’m open for her to come back.  I still love her just as much as the day we got married… even tho she has hurt me deeply.  But that doesn’t mean I will dance for her.   Those days are over.  Looking back over the last 16 months at what I’ve done for me and how I’ve changed… I bring a lot more to the table now than I did then.  I’ve put (for lack of a better word) systems in place that allow me to maintain the positive changes I’ve made not only with myself, but in my relationship and actions with my boys.  We are much more active now than we were before, and we seem to be enjoying each-others company more.

And the best part is that these “systems” could include my wife if she chooses to come home or be adaptable to whomever chooses to be in my life.  Or not.  They are only dependent on me.  Everyday I am getting more comfortable with me.  I still have a long way to go, but when I look back, I am pretty impressed with how far I’ve come.




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