Who the hell are you?

We were married for 13 yrs… we were together for 16 years.  How did she hide this manipulative lying bitch that she has become?  Was it always there?  Could I have really been so blind for so long?

We had our first court hearing today for the divorce… just a status conference… which is EXACTLY what it sounds like.  At least she admitted that she is no longer in the county she filed and is now living out of state.  That opens the door for me to change the venue to my home county… that’ll save me a half day of travel if approved.

She was a total Jeckyl and Hyde… At first she sat next to me as we waited for our case to be called, then was this bitch when it was time to talk to the judge, then became sweet as pie again when we discussed visitation after the fact.  I don’t know how her brain can keep up with the shifting personalities… This girl really needs help.

I wonder what this guy has on her… she used to be this strong, independent woman… and now its like she needs this POS’s permission to do anything.  She goes out of her way for this guy, and he does shit for her.  Not that anyone can see anyway.  She’s the one always traveling to see him… he never comes to her… she is the one moving out of state to be with him, and willing to give up time with the boys to do it… he’s not giving up anything.  She’s leaving family and friends and just assimilating to his life… which, truth be told, is not her lifestyle.  He’s a camper, she’s a glamper… he loves the snow, she loves snowglobes!  HAHA

This is her choice, and I can’t protect her.  All I can do is protect the boys, try to maintain some semblance of a friendly relationship, and when it blows up, and it will, somehow let her know that I am there for her if she wants.

A friend said I was a fool for standing for my marriage and my family… I am not a fool.  All I am is a man who knows that marriage and love take work, and that my marriage and family are worth it.  I am a man who falls down, sometimes I get knocked down, but I somehow keep finding the strength to stand back up.  How long I’m going to be able to do that is a complete unknown… all I know is that right now, I am still able to get up.







Give them an Inch, and They’ll Swim All Over You!

I love that line from The Little Mermaid!  And it is so fitting right now!

Prepping for court next week.  I’m not even sure what I’ll need.  Neither one of us has a lawyer… YET.  I’m fully expecting her to lawyer up soon, considering I am not rolling over for her every request.  That is really getting her angry.

Why are we even fighting?  Why does she feel she needs to fight me.  She left for another man.  I didn’t keep her from moving in with her mom who lives over 3 hours away… I didn’t stop her from moving in with her POS who lives 2 states away (approx 10 hrs).  I have not done half of what I could have (legally mind you) to make her life so much more difficult.  That’s why nice guys finish last I guess!  haha  She has taken for granted my generosity in allowing her to do all these things… and now that I look back… It’s all been at the expense of the boys.  All of her actions have been selfish and self serving… not once has she taken the boys social or emotional well being into consideration.  Looking back, I’m not sure I have either.  Most of my actions have been a futile attempt at trying to protect her from herself… And what do I get?  A big ole shit sandwich served by her!

I’m hoping the judge brings up custody concerns as well as helps lock in the visitation schedule.  It’s just a status conference, so I’m not really sure anything is going to get discussed n any detail.

On a side note, I have been playing much more guitar recently, and even though I am teaching myself, my boys decided they want to learn as well… so there is my silver lining for the week.

Here’s hoping she opens her eyes soon.  Here’s hoping that she can for give not only me, but herself for what led us here and for what’s keeping us here.  Here’s hoping that she realizes we had an amazing family that is worth fighting for, and that she could humble herself enough to try.  Lastly… Here’s hoping I have the strength to keep standing until that happens.



Hurting People Hurt People

Man, is she hurting me… It is taking everything I have not to lash back!  The shitty part is I am finding myself having less patience with my boys… Hurting people hurt people… and the cycle continues.

I have not been running as much as I was… injured my foot a few months ago and still hasn’t healed all the way… I try to run trough it but after a few miles its just too much!  I’ve gone on a few hikes, but that isn’t helping much…

and to top it off I find I’ve been drinking more.  Not to excess… but having a few beers or a few glasses of wine every night… I don’t like the feeling of wanting, almost needing that drink.  My family has a history of alcoholism, so I am VERY conscious of it.

I still look at her and all the shitty things she’s doing to me and the boys, and I find myself shaking my head, asking, WHO THE FUCK IS THIS PERSON?  Where did my wife go?  Where did that amazing woman with honor and integrity go?  Where did that loving mother to my children go?  Who is this selfish bitch?  Who is this person who disregards her kids for her own personal pleasure?

I still am of the belief that as much as you want to change, you can not get away from your core person… that in the end you will always come back to who you really are.  I keep praying that she comes around soon… her boys need her!  I am both mom and dad when I have the boys… and I am doing the best I can, but I know they aren’t getting everything they need… and it kills me.  They deserve more than I can give on my own…Their mother and I were such a great team… that’s why we had these amazing boys…And she threw it all away for what?  For some POS who left his wife and kids for her!  I never knew I had this strength inside of me… I never knew I could forgive someone for this… but for her… for now… I am standing.  For her and for my boys.

It’s Always Darkest Before it Goes Pitch Black

That’s motivation for you.  My wife is at it again.  I am once again devil spawn and an uncooperative ass that is acting in a selfish inflexible manner.  This coming from the woman who left me for another man, moved 3 hours away last year to live with her mom and have a live-in babysitter while she romps around with her POS-BF and is now about to move out of state to be with her POS-BF full-time… and I’m selfish?  haha

You have to love divorce!  Funny how a person you thought you knew could turn so quickly.  I don’t even know who this person is anymore.

Our first court date is quickly approaching… its a status conference with the Judge, so I don’t think its that big of a deal, but we’ll see.  I have to start building a case to defend why I should be the primary home for the boys, even tho we are 50-50 custody.  She wants to move their residence out of state and obviously change schools, that way could fight for full custody.  UGG!  I hate this shit.  Whats worse is I know in time she will come to regret what she’s doing and what she’s done, but I have to mitigate the damage.  She still isn’t thinking straight… left one of our boys with her mom while she ran to be with the POS-BF with my other son.  WTF??  Who does that?  Giving up time with your child so you can get laid?  What normal person would do that?  I just hope she wakes up soon…