Its strange how the passing of time can be so slow in the moment, yet when you look back, it seems like it flew by. 2017 is almost over. Its been 19 1/2 months since she dropped the bomb on me, [ baby! she dropped the bomb on me! sorry, had to do it 😀 ] Did I just show my age? haha
Anyway, it’s been a long ass time since she left, and, though it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to nor look as bleak as it used to, I can still remember D-day like it was yesterday. I remember the feeling of helplessness and uncertainty… of confusion wondering what I could have done differently to save our marriage…
I look at who I have become… and though I am different, I believe I am still the same person at my core… I hold the same values, same morals, and I still have my integrity… I wish she could say the same thing, but she has obviously strayed from that course… but I still wonder if she could come back to her.
The holidays revealed some sad things about her… and the value she’s placing on family vs her POS. She gave up Thanksgiving entirely with her family, and put on a “show” for her POS… she did a little dinner on Saturday with my kids and his kids… but nothing to make it special. Nothing to make it memorable… My kids said it was just a turkey dinner. They have not missed Thanksgiving with her side of the family ever… EVER… until now. And now she’s even giving up Christmas with her family. This is the kids grandparents, who have been with them every major holiday since they’ve been alive.
Now, I’m sure she blames me for that and is telling her family how evil I am for not sharing… but guess what… I haven’t missed those Holidays either until last year… It was the first time I’d ever missed Christmas with them, and to be blunt… it sucked ass! I’m not proud to say that I got drunk, stayed drunk, and didn’t sober up until the next day. Because she moved out of state, she wanted me to give up Christmas again, and I politely told her to go “F” herself. So then she threw a fit and told me that she would not share next year. Little does she know that SHE voluntarily gave up her Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve, and I am under no obligation to return the favor… but that’s a fight for next year.
I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I have started standing up for myself and have not allowed her to manipulate the feelings I still hold for her into doing whatever she wants at my expense. A buddy said that I took my balls back. This is the same buddy who called me foolish for thinking we could reconcile. Not sure about the latter, but he was right with the former.
I am not a fool. I don’t feel foolish. And I am no longer the pushover the she held in contempt. If she’s gonna view me in a negative light, she’s going to have to view me standing up, cuz I’m tired of laying down.