Down on one knee…

So with the big eclipse coming up, there are some strange happenings going on.  First off… she has the boys and has been planning a trip to an area to view 100% of the eclipse since April.  She has been telling the boys all about it and building it up, getting the boys all excited.  All of a sudden, today, she sends me an email saying she might not go to where she has reservations, and instead drive and extra 8 hrs so DH doesn’t have to deal with all the traffic alone with his twin 3 yr olds.  Why do I care?  I have no fucking clue.  This is just a rant.  I just don’t get why she can’t see that this POS doesn’t do shit for her unless she comes to him.  He comes down about once every 3-4 months for a short weekend, and never when she has the boys… and yet she thinks its ok to just move them in with him… they don’t even know the POS.  How long until reality hits them in the face?  How long is she willing to be used like this?  If you knew her, you’d be shocked at how she’s acting.  It is so unlike her to be so oblivious.

I wish I could talk to her the way we did when we were friends… I wish I could show her what she’s doing to our boys.  If it was just me… I’d have no problem moving on… ok… that’s a lie.  But it would be easier.  I am still a believer in the idea of your children take priority, and you do EVERYTHING you can to stay together.  They deserve that much at least.  I am getting to the point where I can look myself in the mirror and say with complete honesty that I did all I could.  I know she can’t.  I’m still holding on… but the good thing is the pain is a whole lot less.  I accept where she is… I hate it… but I accept it.  I also know that we are still worth it.  So I continue to stand.  Right now I might be standing on one knee… but at least I’m still upright.

And the Award goes to…

Me for being asshole of the month!

Sometimes I just can’t help it.  It happens so naturally.  The problem is when I’m an ass to my boys.  I get them every other week, which, when you break it down, 6 months out of the year.  That sucks.  So when I lose my shit on them, especially for a stupid reason, I regret it and continue to beat myself up for it for at least a day or two.  Hence this post.

So, my first nomination came when I went to pick up the boys for my week… I was excited to see them but was not happy that the MIL was dropping them off… so instead of giving my boys a big hug as they were walking up to me, I told them to go get their bags from her car.  “X” – Strike one

The second nomination came on the last night of their visit with me 2 wks ago… We had been staying up late watching movies or playing games all week… and the little one had really been acting up… so I told both of them that we would be going to bed on time that night… Holy crap!!  You would have thought I had cut off an arm or something the way they complained and whined.  And they wouldn’t stop!  I let them do this for about 5 mins and then I had enough!  I blew up on them.  I felt taken for granted, felt unappreciated… I felt like most single parents feel.  The problem was I blew up on them, and they didn’t deserve that.  “X” – Strike two

The clincher happened yesterday…  We had gone to a friends cabin for the weekend near Yosemite National Park… It was a total disconnect weekend.  No phones, no iPads, no TV/Movies or Video games.  Just board games, card games and books.  They complained a little at first, but not too bad.  The weekend went great!  Then it was time to clean up… that’s when it happened.  Whining about everything.  It was non-stop.  I was already a little stressed because I wanted to make sure I left my friends cabin in better shape than we found it…  and the final straw came when I asked for help to do one last walk through and they complained about that!  I went off the handle!  And not just a little.  I was in prime form.  I was still pissed when we got in the car and started the drive home.  After about 20 mins I had to pull over and apologize.

I think of the story with the father having the son hammer nails in a board, then pull out the nails and do it again and again.  The father explains to his son that every time he is angry, it’s like he’s hammering a nail in the board, and every time he apologizes it like pulling the nail out of the board.  The problem is that even though he apologized, there is damage done that can’t be undone, just like the nail hole.

So, with the damage I did this month, I am the UNDISPUTED winner…  Luckily my boys are loving and forgiving, and I hope that in the end I do more good than bad in being their dad.  Only time will tell.  I never asked to be a single dad… never thought I would be in this position… And I am doing the best I know how.  I am working with my counselor to be less reactive to prevent things like this from occurring again.