My blog is called Standing Man… that typically refers to a person staying true to their vows and acting as if they are still married. That’s why I also put that I fall down a lot! This whole mess started in April of 2016… almost 14 months ago. For the first 3 months, I did stand. But it was PATHETIC! I begged. Told her I’d change. Wrote love letters. Bought flowers. Did everything I normally did throughout our marriage… just to an unsustainable level, and all to try and convince her to stay. None of it worked. What I didn’t know then was that she was knee deep in an emotional affair and I still don’t know, but I suspect, that it had already turned physical. She was closed off to me, though for some reason when I ever brought up divorce, she would say she isn’t ready to go there, but is also not interested in working on our marriage. Talk about a mind-fuck!
After 3 months of this BS, we agreed that it was best for her to move out. She was pissed because I wouldn’t leave. I told her flat out… You’re the one leaving the marriage, so you’re the one leaving the house. (Now, we rent, but the point was this was our home and I wasn’t about to go live with my parents until I could figure out my next move). So she moved out and went to live with her mom, 3 hrs away. She then made the suggestion that I change my work hours so I can have the kids for a 3 day weekend and she’ll have them during the week… I politely told her to fuck-off! I was not about to let her turn me into a weekend Disneyland Dad! I told her that we will do week on/week off, 50/50. She began to say how hard it would be on the boys, and I shot back that being separated was hard on the boys, but she ignored that! Anyway, in July she packed her shit and left with the boys, leaving me there, and empty shell. I literally had no more tears. All I could do is stand there with a blank disbelieving stare and watch her drive off… my whole world just drove away.
Anyway, that night I went on a dating site not to be named, created a profile and in rather short order met a few girls and started talking. I was completely honest with them about my situation and my feelings for my wife, and yet they still went out with me. The dates weren’t horrible, but they weren’t my wife. Two really liked me, but one of them, who had gone through a similar situation with her ex, told me flat out to stop dating… it was too soon. She actually became a pretty good friend and we still talk today. After going out on a few dates, I realized that it was too soon. So I shut down my profile and explained to the other girls where my head was and thanked them for understanding that I will not be contacting them anymore and to not reach out to me either.
Fast forward 3 more months. I’m doing good things for me and the boys, and I feel like I’m in a good space to try dating again. I still love my wife, I am still married, and I am not looking to get into any kind of serious relationship. I’m really just looking for some companionship and fun.
I go to a different dating site and quickly meet a girl. We connect and go out, and, this girl really digs me. This makes me feel good, but at the same time gets my head wondering why my wife can’t see this. We go out twice in the first week and at the end of the 2nd date she’s at my place staying the night. I had not been with another woman in 16 yrs… talk about nervous! I didn’t feel guilty, or wrong, or anything other than it felt good to be wanted. BTW… My boys knew nothing about my dating, and I was very clear that when I had my boys, they took top priority, so don’t expect a lot of texting or phone calls during the week when I have them. Anyway, we go out again, but this time she changes plans, and pays for a rather expensive day together. This made me feel a little uncomfortable… like this girl really was into me and and I could not reciprocate. We had sex that night and had plans to go out again mid-week and she had plans on staying the night. That night my wife and I had a talk about us, and she fucking tore my heart in two! Had my head in a bad place, and I knew I didn’t want to go out with this girl. I called her up and told her what had happened between me and my wife and that I couldn’t go out with her anymore. I felt like shit doing it over the phone, but I didn’t think it was right to go out with her then tell her. She asked if she could come over, and I said yes, but that my mind was made up. She came over, we talked, and she started kissing me, which led to sex. I told her that it wasn’t going to change anything, and she said she understood, but would like to still be friends and if we had sex it was OK with her. I knew this girl would never be a long term thing, and I just felt like she was looking for more. A week later I called her and lied… I told her that my wife and I were going to try and reconcile. I didn’t know how to break-up with her when we weren’t really dating… so I pulled a chicken-shit move and lied. She cried, asked to come over, and I told her it would be better if she didn’t. That for my wife and me to even have a chance, I have to remove all contact with women I have dated.
I have more to say, but this post is long enough already. I just don’t want you all thinking that I am completely innocent in the relationship between me and my wife… that I have fucked up and will fuck up some more… but ultimately I do want to reconcile my marriage, restore my family, and help others who are in these same shoes. I hope and pray for my wife to give us another chance, for her to see that the guy she is with is not who she thinks he is, and that our family and our marriage is worth the fight.