I wonder if that’s what I’m doing. I am trying to stand for a marriage that she wants nothing to do with anymore. I say trying because I am dating someone… have been dating someone… and my wife knows it. I wonder if that knowledge helps her justify leaving me for another man.
I started serious dating 6 months after she left me. I used most of that time to reflect on what I did and didn’t do which led to where we are. I went to counseling. I evaluated myself as a man, husband and father and I didn’t necessarily like the answers that were revealed.
Through my dating I discovered that I was actually a pretty good guy. I wasn’t this worthless goo-for-nothing guy that my wife didn’t want anymore. I was funny. I was a gentleman. I was complimentary. I was someone that these girls wanted to go out with. Now some of them were obvious mismatches. But some were pretty compatible. The problem was that I didn’t know what I wanted or needed.. other than I did not want to get into a relationship. I wanted someone to go out with, go to dinner and a movie, go on a hike, to a concert, etc. I was dating two girls… D and B. Neither one was like my wife. I do believe because I did some work on me that I no longer compared them to my wife, like I did to the prior girls just a few months before. Anywho…
I was very open with both of them about my willingness to take my wife back, that this was not a relationship and that I was dating other people… and this was on the first date. Talk about being clueless in the dating scene! haha. Yet at the end of each date, I walked them to their car, gave them a hug, told them I had a nice time, and that I’d like to see them again… and they both said yes. After the 2nd date with D, about a week later, she told me that she did not like me dating other people, and after a little talk about expectations, we decided we should just be friends. I saw B the next night, cuz she had another date earlier that week. It was interesting because she went on that date knowing she liked me, and basically told the guy before hand, and to his credit, took her out anyway with the thought that he could win her over.
Can you smell the testosterone? haha
Anyway… so because D and I were no longer seeing each other, and B declined a second date with the other guy, we ended up just dating each other. We started going out every week and then a couple of times a week. It has continued to evolve, and now I find myself in the role of the asshole. She loves me. I do love her… but not like I love my wife. I can not give her all of me because I can not give up on my wife.
Here is the crux… I feel like I should break up with B because I am not over my wife. I feel like I should break up with her because I am trying to stand for my marriage. I feel like if there is to be any chance with my wife, I can not be seeing someone, even though she is. Don’t ask me to explain, cuz it doesn’t make sense to me either… It’s just how I feel and we all know emotions are wonky!
So that’s why I feel like I’m shooting myself in the foot. If I stay, I could end up hurting B IF my wife comes back comes back. And right now, that is a BIG IF! If I go, I will definitely hurt B and possibly myself IF my wife doesn’t come back. Most of the advice I’ve been given is to just take it one day at a time. B is definitely helping me get past a lot of the mental anguish my wife put me through… and continues to put me through. B is a great woman who deserves more than I can give her right now. But, selfishly, I don’t want to let her go either. She is good for me. She has brought joy back into my life and I to her. She has helped me feel good about me again. I’m not afraid to be alone, but I do prefer having someone to share my life with. I just didn’t expect to find her outside of my wife.