I still find myself thinking of her. I’m not sure a day goes by where something doesn’t remind me of her. It’s not the “get me down and sad all day” thoughts… they are usually a funny memory or just a quick vision of her… I hear her laugh when I see a funny show that we liked.. We had a great friendship, and of everything, losing that hurts the most.
She is a football fan of a rival team, and this would have been a fun year to talk and joke and tease… especially now that her team is doing better and mine not so much. It was always fun. Was. I could imagine her reactions when her team played… it was a good game and I actually found myself rooting for them knowing she was watching and knowing she’d be excited… It would have been fun to be with her for that one.
Me and the boys are finally decorating for Christmas, and to make room for the tree, we had to move a small bookcase… and in the bookcase was a basket of pictures with our wedding photos and random family photos. It was a little sad because both of the boys saw them and were looking at them… I honestly didn’t know what to do or say so I ignored it… could have been a good connecting moment, but I wasn’t sure if I could handle it… I don’t need them seeing me in that state. As we were decorating the tree, I mentioned that we need to get new ornaments… I boxed up all of “ours” that we collected over the last 15 yrs… I was thinking about getting a new “Our First Christmas” but haven’t decided. Christmas was always our big holiday. Its so different doing the things we used to do as a family without her… but I told the boys that just because shes not here doesn’t mean we cant still ave fun doing the things we always enjoyed. Christmas in the Park is always fun… and there are so many good memories…
It took me a while to accept the “New” normal. As a doctor, I always believed that normal was a fixed line… and any deviation from that line, no matter for how long, was still “ABNORMAL.” My goal was to help the patient get back to or as close to normal as possible… that whatever caused the shift could be undone. I tried so hard to UNDO what she has done… but until she stops doing what shes doing, I can’t… and now I don’t know if she can even stop. She has gone so far from who she was… She is way out of normal… and I can’t do anything about it… and because she won’t do anything about it, it has shifted my boys and me as well… and I can’t fix that either. Its not that I have a “God Complex,” but I do feel that this is still fixable… just not right now. The sad part is that it is hurting her and the boys, and me to an extent… but mostly her and the boys… and she can’t or won’t see it.
I read somewhere that almost 80% of marriages affected by affairs are able to recover… My therapist questioned that stat, and I didn’t fight him, but did give him the source… but he said something that struck me… He said that the majority of those that recover were from the men straying… that got me down for a minute… and then he said it was because that men had a harder time forgiving the woman if she strayed. That lit me up again… because I’ve already forgiven her. I have accepted my part in this shit-storm… we all play a role whether we like to admit it or not… I have recognized a few things that I was not providing her which then opened the door for her to look elsewhere. The affair is all on her… but I did open the door, but she never gave me an opportunity to address the issues. We are both to blame, and, if the opportunity arises, we would both be required to address what was missing to see if we could reconcile.
I love it when people ask me how I could trust her again… And my response… I don’t know if I can or can’t, but its worth the effort to find out. I have no clue what I’m asking or or how hard it will be, or anything. I don’t even know if its possible… but I’m hopeful for the opportunity to find out. Hope is my only anchor right now.
So as I go about being both mom and dad for my boys, I am grateful that I still have them in my life, and that they know I’ll never stop fighting to have them in my life. I’m becoming a better dad and I think I am setting a pretty good example for my boys to follow. So with that, let me say thanks to all of you who come here, thanks to all those who have provided insightful comments and support, and for letting me know I’m not going through this alone.
Merry Christmas to you all and a very Happy New Year.